Eat Drink Run Woman

Hey there! How’s it going? You’re looking mighty stylish. Getting ready to go out with friends? What’s that? Oh, I see; you’re just goofin’ around, rummaging through the costume trunk. I forgot how much we enjoyed doing that.

Who am I? Well, this may be tough to fathom, but I’m you 28 years from now. Scary, huh? I’m almost as old as mom is in your world!

What the hell do I want? Boy, that’s no way to talk to your elders now, is it? Don’t you roll your eyes at me, young lady.

Anyhoo, I wanted to talk to you about something, but I also thought you’d be interested in how you turned out. I know you’re still at that awkward stage — all gangly, with braces, no boyfriend. But believe me, it gets better! Your braces will come off before your high school yearbook picture, and there are boys in your future. Some will be nice, others will be total jerks, but it all works out as you’ll eventually be married to the sweetest, most wonderful man. He’s so cute and darling! And SEXY! I wish you could see him. (Actually I take that back. He’s a lot younger — he’s only nine in your world — so that would be pretty creepy).

As for the gangliness, well, obviously you’ll always be tall. But you’ll soon realize it’s an asset; I promise! Sure, you’ll always have trouble finding a pair of jeans that fit well, but you’ll really grow to appreciate those long, lean legs. They’ll take you places you never dreamed. (No — I don’t mean it THAT way).

In fact, you’ll end up doing a lot of things you never thought you would. You know how you’re embarrassed to dance? Well, in another year you’ll be cutting up the rug. Sure, you’ll need a couple of drinks in you before you do it, but eventually you’ll love it so much you’ll be the first one out on the dance floor. And you know how you’ve been too scared to try a full-on dive? You’ll finally work up the courage in your early 20s (and yes, you’ll once again need a couple of drinks).

But what will come as a total shock is you’ll become somewhat of a fitness junkie. You’ll first dabble with running and mountain biking in your late 20s/early 30s, but the real spurt comes in your 40s. What’s that? You’re surprised about the running? Oh honey, you don’t know the half of it! You’re gonna become a marathoner! You don’t know what that means, do you? Well, it means you’ll run 26.2 miles. Serious! And not just once, either. You’ll become so addicted you’ll want to run several a year. Pretty freakin’ crazy, huh? You’ll have to check out our blog to read about all of our adventures! (Oh yeah, that’s right. You don’t know what a blog is ‘cuz the Internet doesn’t exist in your world).

So, what was it I wanted to talk to you about? It has to do with fitness, or rather, the lack thereof in your case. No, no, no; I’m not saying you’re fat (come on — you NEVER obsessed about your weight). What I’m talking about is being strong and fit. You’ll eventually come to realize that’s way better than being skinny. Problem is, the older you get the tougher it will be to get — and stay — strong. You won’t have a solid base from which to build.

You know how you hate those President’s Fitness tests where they see how many pull-ups you can do? Unfortunately, even though as an adult you’ll diligently do your arm weight routine three times/week, you still won’t be able to do them. You’ll also struggle to do push-ups, and I’m not talking about the full-on ones. Even the ‘girlie’ push-ups will be tough (but mostly because of your knobby knees).

And flexibility? Puh-leaze. You should have seen me in this morning’s yoga class. I was grumbling and grimacing throughout (I’m sure you would have been mortified). But you know what? At least I gave it a shot. Unlike you. I don’t think you ever break a sweat, do you?

Don’t give me that about not wanting to be a ‘jock.’ I know none of your friends are into fitness either. But you know what? When you come back for your reunions you’ll realize you have more in common with the jocks and the nerds (in fact you married the latter!). I hate to say this, but many of your friends turn out to be total losers. They just don’t know when to grow up and quit partying.

Besides, I’m not suggesting you become a jock. But couldn’t you move around a bit more? Yes, I know you walk to and from school each day, but it’s only five blocks. And when’s the last time you got on your bike? Perhaps if you exercised just a tad bit, we wouldn’t be so creaky at 44.

Okay, okay! I’m sorry. I’m not blaming you. No one in the family was really into sports, or any heavy physical activity for that matter. I guess we all thought we’d stay thin forever.

sigh

Oh well, never mind me; I’m just venting. I know you’d rather go listen to your new Pink Floyd album. But do me a favor, will you? Next time one of your friends offers to drive to the pizza joint, suggest you walk instead. Believe me, you’ll thank me in the end.